...For The First Time Ever

I have been dating since I was 13.

Every decision in my life from the shirt I decided to wear, to my haircut, to the school I went to, to the very thought that settled in my mind was made with and because of a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I decided to join the drama club for a boy. When it came time to decide on a college, I decided on one that was the nearest to a boy. When it came time to decide on a job and none worthwhile were available in the town I was living in, I stayed in that town anyway and worked horrible jobs. For a boy.

Yesterday I was dumped by a boy.

I am usually the one that walks away, and in a sense I did walk away from this one but I was more or less pushed.

So now here I am. I am now 24 and single for the first time in 11 years. In the past I have always had a "back-up." Every girl knows what a "back-up" is and many of us have had them whether we are willing to admit it or not. The "back-up" is the guy that may or may not be right for us but happens to be there for us at the right time, usually when we are leaving another relationship. This time I do not have one. And it's fucking terrifying.

I have wallowed all day. I have battled a full-on anxiety attack, I have made absolutely no progress in packing up all of my stuff, and I have been more sad than I have been in a very long time. The "back-up" always helps you to feel better, to feel safe and needed and even loved, whether there is actual love there or not. I am walking a tightrope without a net.

So for now I am trying desperately to look toward the future. To remind myself that I am breaking a pattern and should be proud of myself for that. I am trying to keep it together. And as a coping mechanism I will record how this journey goes, hopefully every day, in this blog. Maybe someone out there can identify with it.