Re-Title Anyone??

I guess I'm not single anymore. Well, that didn't last long. Mr. S. took me by surprise as the best guy that I've met in a LONG LONG time. Kind of in a Prince Charming kind of way. I'll be honest with you, internet cyberspace, I'm completely head over heels with this guy. My head is floating. I see an honest future with Mr. S. I guess we'll see what happens. I won't change the title of this blog but I will keep it updated. At this point Mr. S. is so great that I'm pretty sure that he's a robot or a serial killer in disguise.

1 In 5 Couples Now Meet On Online Dating Sites...Most (Probably) Aren't Serial Killed

Well, I met a boy.

Online.

I know, I was apparently so desperate that I was willing to brave sycophants and serial killers. But then the weirdest thing happened, I didn't meet a psychopath or a chronic masturbater who lives in his weird uncle's basement...I met a nice guy. Seriously, a genuinely nice guy.

We had both only been on the online dating site for under a week and he messaged me and less than a week later we had met and hit it off. I'm approximately 98% sure now (after a massive amount of texts, tons of phone calls, and half a dozen dates) that he's an actual normal human being.

Color me shocked.

So now we have a problem. I was suppose to stay single. I was suppose to "find myself" and all of that cheesy jazz. I go back and forth with my true feelings for this guy...we'll call him Mr. S.

But I can get over that, I can continue to grow as a person while dating someone else, that I'm sure of. What I can't get over is my perpetual pattern of portraying myself as more "lady-like" or "clean-cut" or "proper" than I actually am. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a lady...but proper I'm not.

Here are some things that my Mr. S would go into cardiac arrest over:

1. I'm still having a horrible time trying to quit smoking (I know, horrible disgusting habit but it's a crutch I've used for years and it's not like I'm shooting heroine into my eyeballs, so get the fuck over it, I'll quit eventually).

2. I used to date girls. No, not to be trendy or to get attention from guys, I just genuinely am attracted to certain females and dated a few and that was that.

3. I cuss like a fucking sailor.

4. I have a very dirty/sarcastic/cynical sense of humor and love shock value more than my grandma loves her Monday night jazzercize class.

5. I'm on an anti-depressant--yeah, I'm fucked up, but who isn't?

6. I've tried almost all of the drugs under the sun, liked some, hated most, and don't do any anymore.

7. Oh yeah, and I watch porn. Yes, girls watch porn too. It's hot.

So there I have it, the things that would make him run for the hills and some of what I think are the best things about me. Do I pepper-in some of these dazzling tidbits about myself? Do I come clean about everything all at once?

Or do I obsess about it incessantly until my brain is so numb that I don't do anything but crawl into bed for a week or so? <------Yeah, probably that one.

He's a sweet guy, with a good heart and great life goals. I just hope that he can accept my past life, my future goals and my big heart. I guess we'll see...

Avoiding A Serial Killer Like I Avoid High-Fiber Cereal

Oh Holy Baby Jesus, I have broken my sacred vow. I am trying to...(exclamation) to date again!

I know, I know, Amanda you were suppose to be single for a while, what is wrong with you?

Well...I'm lonely and sad.... suck it.

I met a nice guy online who is a pilot and who seems to actually be worth seeing. So I'm meeting him tomorrow, after only talking to him for a few days. Crazy right?

Well if I end up on the news (along with this post) then his name was Stefan and he is a pilot...is it weird that that's all the information that I have for MSNBC's Nacy Grace when she profiles my horrendous rape/death etc.? Eh.

Here's the lowdown: he seems genuine, smart, eloquent, and he thinks highly of me. What more could I want??

I'll post after tomorrow's date.

Oh. God.

I actually decided to write this post on my 3-hour drive home tonight. By the time I actually got home I had no inspiration left and could not actually care less about this shit.

But I'll still record it. While it's fresh in my mentally-deranged little head.

Let me back up. Remember when I said that I was getting out of a relationship with no "back-up guy"? Well...I slipped a little bit with that. A few days ago an ex-boyfriend, we'll call him J, hinted that I should visit him in a town three hours away. I hesitated because it was a long drive, I barely talk to him anymore, I didn't know his roommate, I was suppose to be embracing this whole "single" thing, blah blah blah, etc.

But of course, in true me-style, I knew I would end up going the second it was suggested. So I drove there yesterday evening to spend a whole three days with him. It took me until the next morning to realize with terrifying accuracy why he was indeed an EX-boyfriend.

It was awful. J spent the entire time avoiding eye-contact and carrying on with his everyday life as if he didn't have a guest. My interpretation and eventual letdown is partly my fault. I guess deep down I expected to be somewhat the center of attention while I was there. I wanted someone to be genuinely excited to see me...and show it. I wanted someone to hit on me and hold me and attend to my emotional needs. I guess in the three years that J and I have been apart I completely forgot that he is not that kind of guy, never has been.

So this is where it gets truely horrifying. I freaked. FREAKED. The next night (tonight technically) I had had enough. I was tired of watching him play with his dog (for hours...seriously), play computer games, make lists, and (ugh) clean his car with a freakish attention to detail. I decided that I was going to go home, yes at 6 o'clock at night I was going to drive the three hours back home after only being there for less than 24 hours. So I talked to J and expressed my concern that we just weren't "connecting" and he claimed that he was having a great time and thought that I was too.

But I had made up my mind and I packed up my things and left, saying goodbye to his weird roommate who looked very judge-face and confused about the whole thing. J was seemingly confused himself but he walked me out and said goodbye and told me to text him when I got safely home.

I made it about 30 minutes away and began to feel better. I began to feel a lot better. So much better that I suddenly decided that I had made a horribly impulsive and premature decision of leaving when I could have just calmed down and enjoyed my time there, even if it was dull and uninspiring. At least it had to be better than driving home on a Friday night to a house of sleeping parents, right? So I turned around and drove the 30 minutes back to J's place again to the even more judge-face and confusion of his roommate and now J himself.

J's attention toward me did not improve and my dread came flooding back, in panicky proportions. I did the unthinkable. After taking my bags back into the house, past the weird roommate and spoiled dog, I had to once again say that I was leaving, grab my things and leave again. AGAIN.

Fuck me. It was awful. And humiliating. But on the way home I did feel better again, which shows that my mood elevation the first time I drove away was due to my actually getting the hell out of there...not some random revelation that I should go back...duh. Big duh.

* Sigh * But the good news is that I didn't actually break the pact that I have with myself. I didn't use J as a boy safety-net. I am still alone, actually more alone now than I was before since J is now not talking to me.

So, did I burn a bridge, or build a new (slightly hesitant) self-reliant one? Right now I'm forced to believe in the latter, for my own sanity and future happiness. For now I'm left to drink my father's microbrews until I can't feel feelings anymore.

New Home of Old

Yesterday I packed everything I own, minus a few dozen books that wouldn't fit, into my car and drove the six hours to my parent's house.

Did I mention that part of me leaving my relationship and becoming single was moving in with my parents?

Yeah. I feel like a winner.

It hasn't completely set in yet that my entire life is now changed.

I wish I could write a profound and insightful post but I am too emotionally catatonic right now I guess.

...For The First Time Ever

I have been dating since I was 13.

Every decision in my life from the shirt I decided to wear, to my haircut, to the school I went to, to the very thought that settled in my mind was made with and because of a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I decided to join the drama club for a boy. When it came time to decide on a college, I decided on one that was the nearest to a boy. When it came time to decide on a job and none worthwhile were available in the town I was living in, I stayed in that town anyway and worked horrible jobs. For a boy.

Yesterday I was dumped by a boy.

I am usually the one that walks away, and in a sense I did walk away from this one but I was more or less pushed.

So now here I am. I am now 24 and single for the first time in 11 years. In the past I have always had a "back-up." Every girl knows what a "back-up" is and many of us have had them whether we are willing to admit it or not. The "back-up" is the guy that may or may not be right for us but happens to be there for us at the right time, usually when we are leaving another relationship. This time I do not have one. And it's fucking terrifying.

I have wallowed all day. I have battled a full-on anxiety attack, I have made absolutely no progress in packing up all of my stuff, and I have been more sad than I have been in a very long time. The "back-up" always helps you to feel better, to feel safe and needed and even loved, whether there is actual love there or not. I am walking a tightrope without a net.

So for now I am trying desperately to look toward the future. To remind myself that I am breaking a pattern and should be proud of myself for that. I am trying to keep it together. And as a coping mechanism I will record how this journey goes, hopefully every day, in this blog. Maybe someone out there can identify with it.